There is no denying that coronavirus has brought tremendous pain and sadness across the world; this includes deaths, sickness, lost jobs, closed businesses, and a sense of uncertainty unlike anything I have experienced in my business career. It has also shown the courage of doctors, nurses, and other medical staff as well as the decency and dedication of people we often overlook: doormen, supermarket staff, cleaners, post office employees, and so many others. I actually have started thanking the cashiers at Publix for working as I realized they deserve to be thanked.

At the same time What’sApp, messages, and my inbox have seen the daily arrival of one or more jokes, cartoon, videos, all focusing on the humorous elements of the situation we are in. This newsletter collects them for your entertainment. I have eliminated those that appear to be unaware of the MeToo Movement. Frankly, as an old guy I don’t mind some political incorrectness, but also know that time has passed.

Here is my tour of some of the funniest and most perceptive comments on where we are right now.

1. The attack on other nations. This offers something offensive to many of the countries we came from and still cherish. My favorite is the swipe at the Spanish.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Covid-19 has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation.

 

2. The toilet paper crisis. WTF?

 

3. Why everyone in Miami has a concealed carry permit.

 

4. Exercise while the gyms are closed. This one has changed my life!

 

5. Possibly offensive blond joke.

Here is a break from the Corona Virus:

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No, not if
I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

 

6. How some men think, but certainly no men I know. Part I

 

7. How some men think, but certainly no men I know. Part II

 

8. A perfect song.

 

9. Help on a hotline.

 

10. A CURE!!!

 

11. If you get this far, then, you should also watch Bill Gates talk about what we should have done a few years ago and need to do for the future.

 

Now, please wash your hands.